Why Is Friendship So Hard Right Now?
The friend you keep meaning to call — and what might be worth saying about that.
In our first SHE MOVES documentary; a woman is asked what she would say to another woman standing in her shoes. Without hesitation, she offers kindness, encouragement, and love. But when it comes to saying those same things to herself, she struggles.
Then she shares something else. At 55, she thought she would feel more fulfilled. Instead, she finds herself longing for meaningful friendships. She knows plenty of people. But genuine friendships are few and far between.
Sound familiar?
Somewhere between careers, marriages, raising children, caring for aging parents, and keeping everybody else's world from falling apart, our friendships can quietly slip to the bottom of the priority list. And then one day, we look around and wonder — whatever happened to my girlfriends?
Apparently, we're not the only ones asking.
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As part of SHE MOVES, we've been collecting stories from women navigating midlife. Of the 54 stories recorded in our research so far, 21 have been flagged for friendship disappointment.
But here's what's interesting. Not everyone is telling the same story.
Some women miss the friendships they once had. Others describe the pain of losing longtime friends, sometimes without even knowing why. And some have reached a point where they're perfectly comfortable with a smaller circle — or even their own company.
"Are we missing our old friendships — or are we discovering that we need something different at this stage of our lives?"
Perhaps a little of both.
But before we get to the question, there's something worth naming. Something the women in our research kept returning to, even when they didn't use these exact words.
By midlife, many of us have spent decades being the one who shows up, checks in, remembers the hard dates, and holds everyone else's feelings. We got very good at being needed. We built a reputation for it. And somewhere along the way, we stopped noticing how exhausting it was — or how little of that same energy was flowing back to us.
That pattern doesn't just drain us. Over time, it quietly shapes which friendships we maintain and which ones we let fade. The ones that asked the most of us? Those are often the ones that slipped away without much resistance.
Friendship takes time. Who knew?
Well, researchers did.
Turns out, the longing isn't just a feeling — it's well-documented. University of Kansas researcher Jeffrey Hall studied how friendships develop. His research suggests that forming a casual friendship can take approximately 40–60 hours together, with considerably more time associated with closer relationships.
40 – 60
HOURS TO FORM A CASUAL FRIENDSHIP
Some of us have been trying to establish friendships with an occasional text message, two birthday greetings, and a lunch date we've been rescheduling since 2022.
The U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on social connection reinforces the point further: meaningful relationships aren't just good for the soul — they're essential to our health and wellbeing. The recommendations include investing time in existing relationships and participating in activities that create regular opportunities for connection.
SOURCES
U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. HHS.gov.
So perhaps the problem isn't that we've forgotten how to make friends. Maybe we've forgotten that friendships need room to grow. And we haven't been giving them any.
So what can we actually do?
Before you add develop meaningful friendships to an already impossible to-do list, consider three possibilities.
Revisit a friendship worth keeping.
You know that girlfriend you've been meaning to call for the past six months? Call her.
We've all over-explained our absence in our heads so many times that we can't quite figure out how to start. The story of how busy we've been has gotten too long to tell. So, we keep waiting for a better moment — one that never quite arrives.
Skip the explanation. Start with something simple: "I was thinking about you today. How are you really doing?"
Of course, not every friendship needs reviving. Some have simply run their course and recognizing that is its own kind of clarity.
Become a regular somewhere.
Friendships rarely develop from a single encounter. Remember Hall's research — it takes 40 to 60 hours. Find something you genuinely enjoy and do it consistently. A walking group, a yoga class, a book club, a volunteer commitment, a Saturday morning coffee spot.
The goal isn't to go hunting for a new best friend. It's to create conditions where the same people encounter each other often enough for something to develop naturally — without forcing it.
And please, choose something you actually enjoy. Life is too short to join a book club when you don't like reading.
Make room for the friendships you want now.
This one might require a little reflection.
The woman you were at 35 may have needed different things from friendship than the woman you've become at 55 or 65. The friendships that sustained you then — built around shared roles, mutual chaos, the comfort of being understood at a particular moment in life — may no longer fit who you are now. That's not loss. That's discernment.
Maybe you want companionship without obligation. Someone to travel with. Someone who can hold an honest conversation, appreciate a good laugh, or simply sit together without needing to fill every silence. Someone who gives as much as they receive.
And perhaps — perhaps — you no longer have the energy for friendships that require you to do all the emotional heavy lifting. That's worth acknowledging. The goal isn't to have more friends. It's to have relationships that feel genuinely reciprocal.
ONE SMALL MOVE
Our documentary narrator notices how friendships disappear as women become increasingly absorbed in their relationships, families, and work. She's not wrong. But she's also, perhaps, in the middle of figuring out what she wants next.
Maybe it's time to reconsider where friendship belongs in our lives. Not because we're lonely. Not because research tells us to. And certainly not because we need another self-improvement project.
But because we deserve relationships in which we can show up as ourselves, receive some of the care we so readily extend to others, and genuinely enjoy one another's company.
"Are you missing the friends you once had — or are you ready to make room for friendships that fit the woman you've become?"
If someone comes to mind while you're sitting with that question, maybe give her a call.
You don't have to rebuild your entire social life by Friday.
YOUR LIFE. YOUR MOVE.
Research findings noted above reflect emerging themes from 54 SHE MOVES participant interviews collected to date. These are preliminary observations, not conclusions about all midlife women.
